It’s been a wild ride. It’s been a long road, and this road has been dark. Those sound like song lyrics written by someone else, but who’s to say. I lost my way along the road. Early on I was burning the midnight oil, rising early and getting even more done in the morning than I had ever dreamed the night before. All for my dream, my idea, my little idea of freedom. But the dream died fast, and after a month of creative rolling I had burned out to terror as the costs of life loomed. This terror inspired discomfort and procrastination, and what I had planned on spending as months of winter fly fishing and snowshoeing turned instead to dreary, late nights drunk alone, siphoning from my dwindling savings and living off nothing but eggs and bacon for every meal, every day. What happened to me? It couldn’t have been as simple as a failure, but that simply as there was to it.
A Failed effort to succeed through freelance as clients left, projects dwindled, and bridges were burned. A failure to launch a product I still love, stalled in limbo so long as I refuse the pay-to-play model of advertising that promises sales on the horizon for a meager $500/week. And a failure to land the dream job I put everything into, the last of my money going towards printing out intricate resume’s and portfolios (copies of each, bound together) to drop off in person, writing and re-writing—all for nothing as “we are not ready to fill the position right now”. 2021 kicked off with more than just failure, it was outright defeat on every corner. Nothing at all could wretch me from my daily grind of battling hangovers and continuing a workout routine involving some miles and kettlebells.
I had one moment of clarity when I ran 48 miles in 48 hours, but beyond that, I was in moving through the coldest winter of my life, and through it all, I had never felt more alone. As spring inches ever closer to summer, a breakthrough happened and suddenly I wasn’t just offered three positions, but positions all to places I wanted to work at, with one standing out above them all. Eagerness overtook me and I began my new job as a “Junior” designer, but I haven’t worked so hard or so enthusiastically on any project for months, in this capacity (in an office), I wouldn’t have felt this vigor in 5 years. Where my last position left me feeling soulless, undervalued, and underappreciated, my new venture has proven to be everything the opposite. I am finally proud of the content I create, my team is eager for me to produce more, and I am in the company of only individuals whom I hold in high regard. The culture is right within my dream job’s idea; A marketing team dedicated to good design, outdoor adventure, and a toast to ending the week.
During my jubilation, my friends also started warming to the idea of going outdoors again, something that is increasingly rare among my dearest company. I couldn’t have been happier to greet them in the desert with a brand new camera all of my own, my Fujifilm X-T4.
We all rode out into the desert, Jayden following us on his bike for a short picnic before work. The air was crisp and cool, not too hot and not too cold. As the sun set, the coyotes began to sing, as if they too wanted to celebrate with us as we lit the fire and danced the night away. Smiles were shared, laughter echoed across the wasted badlands, and finally if just for a night, I felt human again. It was a wonderful escape, something I desperately needed — and knew I needed — but never got around to wrenching myself from the well of despair I threw myself into. So many friends have said this period of my life will be a rebirth, a new chapter. I fear what I may become, but for now, I will just hold on and try to make every single good time spent with friends last just a little longer.
